I have been absent for almost a week, and I just returned home last night. Thoughts buzzed around inside my head so fast that it felt like days and days worth of thoughts flew by in a few hours. I drove around my neighborhood for at least an hour before pulling into my driveway. I pulled up, put the car in park, and just sat there. After a few minutes I turned off my lights. A while after that I turned off the engine. Then I finally mustered up the courage to go inside. My mom had left me text messages and voice mails on my phone which was off for most of the day to conserve my battery, telling me that I should have been home hours ago, and that I need to contact her. I brought my bags inside, only to find an empty bottle of alcohol on the counter, and another broken one in the sink. I said hi to my dad, told him camp went fine, and brought my bags upstairs and sat on my bed for a while. So many emotions filled me this past week, especially yesterday.
Sara made me a bracelet yesterday. She took some string and made two bracelets out of it, one for me, and one for her. She told me that we would always be connected because they are made from the same string. She also told me before I left that if I ever thought that no one cared about me, I should remember the bracelet on my wrist. She took my arm and put it up to hers and told me that I will always have her to care about me. She also helped me talk to Johnathan yesterday. Earlier in the day I told her about how unwilling I was to go home, and she told me that I should speak with him. She said she would help me, and she did. I talked to Johnathan and I told him about how my home is not a safe place for me, and when I come to camp I make progress, and get better, but then when I arrive back home, all the progress I had made has departed. I told him about how I am surrounded by so much support at camp, but at home I am without it. He told me to journal some things that I need help with and when I return to camp in a week we can work on those things. Something really bothered me though. Sara was behind on cleaning because she was talking to Johnathan with me, so she told me she would come to my car to say goodbye to me after I went to the rec hall and took my bags to my car. I never saw her. I think I may have missed her while I was saying goodbye to Jess, or she didn’t even come to my car at all. But that aspect really upset me because I really needed one last hug from her, even though I will be returning in a week to see her again. Oh God, I need her so much right now.
I cannot even listen to what used to be my favorite songs because they upset me too much. I am talking about the camp songs that Johnathan emailed me. Especially Amazing Lights. That song just touches my heart and really pulls on my heart strings too much. I used to listen to it constantly during the year before summer started, but now that I am back from camp and missing it, I cannot even bear to listen to it anymore because it drags my mood down again. It is so amazing how one week can change a person so much. Entering the week of camp, I was so anxious and I just wanted to stay at home and hide. But now that it is over and done with, I would give anything to return back and stay there for the rest of the summer. The rest of my LIFE, nonetheless. I don’t know what sort of magic surrounds 29 Pleasant Grove Road, but it is beyond my knowledge to understand why this place holds on so tightly to my heart. The more I think about it, the more I miss it.
Many various issues arose during the week. Much worship and praying happened. Worship is, and probably will always be one of the favorite things about camp. There is just something to special about being there at that specific place, with those specific people, and being connected to God and to each other, and what amazes me the most is how a bunch of strangers can come together and stand so close and form a family with such a strong bond, that nothing can even scratch the surface of it. Thursday night worship is, and has always been my favorite worship because it is the last worship of the week. Although every year it repeats, it still touches my heart and makes as strong of a mark on my heart as it did the previous year. My favorite part is when we all light our candles while singing Amazing Lights, and then one by one stand up and say what our candle stands for. This year I said my candle stands for hope. And this year, I really meant it. Before we blow out our candles, Johnathan says that the light outside may dissipate, but the light inside us can never fade. Every year I always cry during this worship. The words, and their meanings are as strong as the force of God Himself. I remember last year at Thursday night worship I was upset about something and I was crying, and Sara sat next to me and rubbed my back the whole time. This year after worship was over, our cabin got in a circle and just hugged each other and cried. We cried over our friendship becoming stronger (because my whole cabin was all returning members of camp) and for the time lost that passed us so quickly. There will never be a cabin as strong as ours was. We set the bar so high for connections with each other, and forming a family with each other.
I have never found it more easy to blog than I have today. I think that is because these words come straight from my heart. They are what I truly feel, and what I am really thinking. This camp has changed me so much, for the better. It has provided me with a hint of hope that has turned into a full realization that there is always something worth fighting for. That reminds me of when we were at camp, we wrote letters to God. I wrote to God about Sara and how I need to thank Him so many times for everything she has provided for me. I also included thanking Him for all the opportunities I was given to connect with Him. At the end of the letter I didn’t sign my name. I didn’t say amen, or thank you. I just wrote “maybe there is something to fight for…” Whenever I think of camp, I truly mean those words. I don’t know what right I did to deserve such a sanctuary, and so many angels to guide me through this life that I am struggling with. Because that is what this camp is, it is a sanctuary. Which reminds me of the song, which became our cabin’s song for this week because we are so emotionally attached to it, all of us.
Lord prepare me
to be a sanctuary
pure and holy
tried and true
with Thanksgiving
I’ll be a living
sanctuary
for you
This song really does mean a lot to me, along with Amazing Lights. The words are so delicate and true, and just walking to wherever we were going and singing this song along the way brought me so much peace within myself. If I remember correctly, at the first night of worship Jess questioned our cabin’s connection with Sanctuary, and why it is so significant to us. We explained to her that we have stuck together through all the years at this camp, and have been so connected, and gone through so much together that this song just brings us even closer together, just when we thought we couldn’t get any closer. That night we sat out on the porch in a circle, holding hands, and we sang the song. That song became our song for our cabin. We sang it everywhere. Whether it was walking to an activity, or even in the showers. That song was the string that tied us all together. But now that I am at my home, and everyone else is at theirs, I don’t feel tied together anymore. I feel as though now we have unraveled, and the string is lost. But then again like Johnathan said, there will always be the light inside us that will never go out, and I guess in the end that was what tied us all together in the first place.